Yesterday I didn’t journal. I was feeling good. Right now…I don’t.
I had a pretty good day in the sense that I was productive and I told one of my framily members about my situation. Sara wanted to come over and spend some time at the house with her kiddos and of course I won’t say no. It was good. It was good to tell someone what is happening.
Maria texted me today from work. That made me feel so good that someone from work was worried about me. Alicia had texted me on Friday just to tell me that she didn’t know what was going on but that she was there if I needed her. When Maria texted I told her how I was struggling and that I knew I was really struggling because I had no desire to clean. Doing the dishes is about as far as I can get right now. You know something is wrong when I don’t want to clean. I love cleaning.
Today I forced myself to get the Halloween decorations up. I was pleased with the outcome.
After Sara left I went to take a bath and got to thinking. I thought about my sister and how my mom is visiting her right now and how I want to avoid spending any time alone with my sister. I tried to dig into my head to figure out why. I am afraid of her. I am afraid to be alone with her and have her judge me. I don’t want to be judged. I am so grateful to Jason that I do not feel like that with him. Granted sometimes I feel a though he judges me but then I realize that I am a hippocrite because I judge Keone and Keahi. I want Keahi to be happy with working. I want Keone to do more with himself. I am fearful that he is going down his dads path.
I realized when talking with Sara some of my issues. One thing is that I feel utterly helpless with my sister-in-law’s situation. I put it in terms of situations like finding out Jason had diabetes, or realizing that I am overweight, or being unhappy in a marriage. These are situations that I have some control over. I can help Jason with his diabetes, I started crossfit and feel more and more healthy physically, and I was in a bad marriage and I made the choice to get out. But Amy’s cancer I can’t do a fricken thing about.
I also realized that I am very very fearful about returning to work. I don’t even know if I can return to that job right now. I realized that I was very worried about leaving my doc in a bad situation because I handle everything. In the few days that I have been gone I have face timed with the MA to teach her how to do my job. Part of me of course want to teach her and she seems to get how much work I do. The other part is wondering how the PM was going to have her do my work without me there. Am I helping the situation? I don’t think so because this is part of the problem. I need help. I want to be angry with the PM for not appreciating me and ALL of the work I do, but she has no clue. She has no clue that I need help. As I continue to work through my day and show productivity there is no need to get me help. And as my doc explained to me our salaries are the biggest expense in the finances for our clinic. That is why they cant justify additional help. I often think I toot my own horn and that I am full of shit but when I am trying to show someone else all the facets of doing my job I realize how much I do.
So with all of that being said…what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do with these emotions and issues? Should I asked to me relocated? Do I need to find a different with better administrative support? I don’t know. I really don’t.
I do know that if I had to return to work this next week I couldn’t. At this time my plan is to see my therapist on Tuesday, reevaluate how I feel and how I am doing, then contact my PCP to see if I need to be out longer. I am going to go through other routes to discuss this with her because I am supposed to return to work on October 25. Right now I can’t see returning until mid November. Possibly November 7th.