This past week has been enlightening. I know that I am not ready to return to work yet. I know that I am healing and feeling a bit stronger.
How do I know?
Well, my therapist and I discussed a tool to help me with the fact that I have not dealt with conflict in any good way for basically my whole life.
I found that my issue is that when I am confronted about something I simply freeze. I am no t quick with a response and later when I have a chance to review the situation I have plenty of good points.
I feel the need to prepare and have all of my ducks in a row before I confront a situation. One of my best examples was my divorce from my ex-husband. I knew well in advance, probably 6 months, that I was done with it and that I wanted a divorce. I waited. I prepared my defense. I lined up my examples to be able to back up my statement of, “I want a divorce.” I wanted to be sure. I don’t want to go into a situation without taking a look from all sides, even my opponent.
So when it comes to conflict, when I am confronted I freeze because I am not prepared.
I was given a tool. Go to my safe place. Step away from the situation. I have permission to do so. I can literally or figuratively walk away from the situation. Regroup, and prepare. Any time I feel the uneasiness of my heart racing, head hurting, severe confusion I can use the flight mechanism and nicely excuse myself from the situation. Find safety and regroup. I am allowed to protect and take care of myself!
I also told my doctor, the one I work with, that I was staying out longer and he was very supportive. He told me that he has taken some of this time to review his own actions to change some of them so as to not add stress and pressure to me when I am working for him. I feel so blessed to have a provider who understands that his actions do affect me and who is concerned about his nurse enough to review his self to help me. How many people have that blessing. Thank you Lord.
So….along with some of those things…
I started cleaning again!!!! I started doing laundry again. I met up with a great friend and we talked for literally 4 hours. Or poor waiter…he was probably saying, “damn, when are they gonna leave?” Sometimes getting together with a friend can be great therapy. Because the good ones will support you and also gently tell you the way you are looking at a situation is BS.
I also started a project for Christmas presents and it involves woodwork. It was great to mess with a saw and a sander!
I am gonna color and cut my hair today. Wish me luck!