Today has been a bit better.
Yesterday was ok. I only cried 4 times.
Tuesday was rough.
Monday was enlightening.
So…I have batted depression for many years. I personally think I have been dealing with it since I was a teen. It wasn’t until I had given birth to all four kids and I would fight with my ex-husband on a monthly basis that I came to realize that I truly had a problem. Luckily there was help.
I had an excellent midwife, and friend, who I was able to openly tell about my situation. At first I thought my problem was related to my thyroid disease, but no… it wasn’t. My midwife helped me to start on medication. eventually we figured out the correct dosage and I have been on Prozac (Fluoxetine) for over 10 years now. In between we had a trial basis with Zoloft because the Prozac would give me bad dreams, but the Zoloft made me angry and throw things so I decided to deal with the bad dreams.
Sometimes medication isn’t enough.
In 2011 my father passed away. I thought I was OK. Daddy had been living on borrowed time and his body finally gave out. It was OK. I was OK. Or so I thought.
On December 22, 2011 I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed trying to get ready to go to work for the night at LDRP at the hospital. I couldn’t move. My emotions had me frozen and all I could do was cry. I didn’t know what to do. I felt completely lost and helpless. I finally pulled together enough to grab my phone. I stared at it not knowing who to call. Finally I called LDRP. Alex answered the phone. A wave of relief washed over me. In between sobs I got out who I was and I blurted out, “How did you handle this Alex?” Her mother had died the year before. She calmed me down and and shared that the same thing happened to her. She told me how she held it together until about a month after her mom passed and then she lost it too. I told her I couldn’t function. I cried that I couldn’t work. She asked if I had a doctor. I told her I was a patient of Marsha. She told me to call her and see about being written off of work for mental health reasons. I calmed down a bit more and thanked her. I look back and am so thankful she was the one who answered. I called Marsha and the tears started again, this time because I remembered that she had lost her partner of many years jut a few months prior. I asked how she did it. She talked with me for a bit and calmed me down again. She told me that I needed time and she said she would take me out for a month. In the mean time she told me to take care of myself.
I felt so many different emotions in that time frame. I felt sad at the loss of my father. I felt ashamed that I broke down. I felt embarrassed that I had to take time away from work. I felt relief to just sit and be. I felt worry because I had kids who depended on me. I felt scared about the future and that I wasn’t going to heal.
I made it through. I took time. I sewed. I cleaned. I read. I watched all the seasons of Charmed. I journaled. I healed. I was stronger emotionally when I returned to work.
Sometimes thoughts of Daddy return and I find myself stuck. I just cry then and tell him I miss him. I worry about mom and my siblings and their loss of Daddy too. Then I move forward.
So, when this new bout of depression hit me I didn’t know what to do. I still really don’t know what to do. I know that I am released from work for two weeks right now. I know that there are triggers to the pain that tells me I am depressed.
Let’s talk this out.
On Monday I woke up with another huge headache. I hadn’t experienced them much during the weekend. The headaches started the week before. They were located at the base of my skull. They would wake me up. they would worsen throughout the day at work and settled when I went to bed. Then they would wake me up around 2 am and I would struggle to get sleep. I also was feeling some body malaise intermittently. I thought that it was a response to the flu shot that I got on Monday October 3. But that didn’t make sense to have a continued headache the following Monday…that was too long. Jason asked me to go see a doctor if it continued.
I went to work. I was doing my work and the headache broke through the motrin that I had taken 3 hours before. I went to my doc (the one I work with every day) and told him that I was going to check with the practice manager (PM) to see if an MA could cover me and then I was going to go home. He and I were talking about what could be triggering this pain. He suggested that I had been through a lot in the recent months and that my trip to Oklahoma (two weeks before) may have pushed me over the edge. He suggested that maybe my body was manifesting pain as a way to tell me that I was not emotionally ok. He had some excellent points, things I didn’t want to admit. I went to the PM to ask if the MA could cover my clinic. Another MA was in the office at the time and noticed the response I received (an eye roll and an annoyed “Ok”). At that point I didn’t care. I just knew I couldn’t be at work.
I went home. I laid down and tried to rest. My head kept pounding. Jason came home at lunch time. He brought big macs. We ate and talked. After we ate I laid on his chest and let the tears go. I cried. I told him about Oklahoma and tried to figure out what was wrong. I eventually came to realize that I just want to be able to love my brother and sister-in-law and to heal her and that I have absolutely no control over her situation. Absolutely none! I can be there for them but I truly can’t help her body. That helplessness is horrible. And if I feel that way, how must my brother feel? Cancer sucks! I then cried about my sister and the situation that I have been facing with her since June. I cried that our relationship is truly damaged and will truly never be the same again. There will never be the full trust again. For either of us. I cried that I have always been the person in our family who just loves, tries not to judge, and forgives when mot people wouldn’t but this time I can’t seem to do it. I can’t seem to forgive her. After that the pain went away. My headache dissipated.
That night I went to bed without a headache and around 2 am woke with it again. As I got ready for work I realized that I was starting to feel the way I did when I broke down after my dad’s death. I didn’t understand how that could be? How could I feel that strong a depression? I went to work and luckily was able to talk to the psychiatrist first thing in the morning. He agreed that things are bad for me right now. He agreed that I may need time off. He gave me a couple of exercises to do to help with the anxiety and he agreed with my plan to see my PCP and go from there. After that I asked to speak with my doc and the PM. She is part of my work problems and I did not want to speak with her alone. I broke down and explained to both of them that emotionally something is not right. I think there may be many reasons behind it. I mentioned that I have been dealing with situations with my sister, work, and my trip to Oklahoma was the clinching factor. I explained that I think I am fortunate that my body gave me signals before I hit the wall like I did in 2011. I told them that I was to see my PCP that afternoon and that this is very difficult to admit to especially because physically I am able to do my job and I know how important I am to the perinatology clinic. They both were supportive at the time. I then called the hospital Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to see if I could qualify for the 6 free sessions of counseling and therapy. I did. I called the therapist who was recommended by my good friend and had an appointment for Thursday morning.
I went to see my PCP that afternoon. I have known her for many years and luckily she knows how I work. She knows my strength and she knew that I was at a breaking point. She took me out of work for two weeks with the plan to reevaluate after I started therapy and to use the time to work on healing myself emotionally. I went back to the office and told the PM. She asked me to show the MA how to do my job in the 30 minutes that remained. The MA was very supportive and is readily able to do the everyday activities of rooming the patients and uploading the ultrasounds but I do so much more than that and 30 minutes simply is not long enough to teach someone how to do my job.
I came home feeling defeated. I always try to look on the bright side and the bright part that I could see was that God made everything line up. All of my appointments, the break down, the physical signs. I knew I had to take this time but I still feel so bad that I couldn’t handle everything.
Wednesday came with headache bouts and crying and going through a roller coaster of emotion.
And here I am today. I immediately connected with my therapist at 7 am and that was a fearful, releasing, good, and sad start to my day. Reliving the past year an a half (not even completely) brought me a few bits of understanding and it made me also feel like two weeks may not be long enough. But how do you explain that to people who may not have ever experienced this?
The pain in my head is triggered by thoughts of my PM and my MSR. When I start to think about them or about going to work the pain slowly creeps into the base of my skull. I explained this to my therapist and she explained some things. I was surprised that my feelings were validated. At the same time there are many levels I am going to have to work through. This is the core of my problems. The situation with my sister and my trip to Oklahoma were simply the final push. At this moment I cannot fathom the idea of returning to work. I feel horrible for my doc because he and I are a very good team and I know he does better when I am there. I know I will somehow get through this but I am not sure how.
Many thoughts and scenarios are going through my head. We are supposed to move our clinic to the hospital. This will help the animosity that I feel from the PM. I do not like that I fear my reputation and my job hinge on her words about my performance. My therapist brought up a couple of points about this: I am good at what I do. I can’t and don’t doubt that. The PM truly has no idea what all my job entails. I think she thinks she does but she doesn’t. She feels threatened by a strong personality that is well educated and has a lot of experience and does not agree with many of her management ways (especially her lack of transparency). My fear of losing my job or ruining my reputation…while a true fear… does not limit my abilities. I can definitely get another job. And finally, there will always be another one like her around the corner.
The problem is…my head is a smart girl! My head knows these things. Fear and doubt trickle in and become debilitating. They make me doubt myself and my abilities. I am in a cycle of abuse and I am not sure how to get out. It isn’t like an abusive relationship in which I can leave my spouse. I have been there, done that. This situation would leave me not being able to do the work I love with the doc I love working with. So what do I do? How do I emotionally become strong enough to get through this?
AND…how do I work through and become strong enough to deal with the other forms of loss that I obviously haven’t dealt with from the last year and a half?
Whew…that’s alot. Alrighty then. Time to go paint.